Just some ideas, for anyone interested.
Enthusiasm/Enjoyment
If you literally take nothing else away from this list, it will have been well worth the read.
Sometimes sex for men is spoken about in ways that suggest that men can and will experience sublime sexual pleasure from tactile stimulation alone. For most men I’ve known, this couldn’t be further from the truth.
You could have the best oral sex technique in the world- truly legendary skills- but if the man you’re going down on gets the sense that you’re miserable, AT BEST it will be far, far less enjoyable for him and, at worst, he won’t be able to orgasm and might develop an aversion to receiving oral sex entirely. Many men would rather get a terrible blow job from a woman who is enjoying the process than a wonderful blow job from a woman who obviously wishes she were doing anything else.
Many men (especially members of the Church) have a complicated relationship with their sexuality and their penises, which often symbolize feelings of shame they have and may continue to carry around with them. Putting that symbol of his erotic nature in your mouth represents a sublime act of acceptance and affection for a part of him that he has almost certainly, at some point, wished he didn’t have.
What to do if you truly do dislike giving oral sex? Well, you can simply not do it, you can fake it…or…my favorite option…actually learn how to enjoy it.
Embrace the fact that doing it well is a worthwhile skill that blesses your spouse immeasurably? Lean in to your desire to be excellent at things you do and be proud of your sexual competence? Open your mind to the idea that giving such a gift is an exercise of great power for you and connection enhancing vulnerability for your husband? Mindfully savor the physical experience- the texture of his skin, the smell, the taste, the sounds and squirms?
Whatever works for you. I’m telling you though, developing an appreciation for the act of giving oral sex to your husband is the single most important step toward mastering the art.
Communicate Enthusiasm/Enjoyment
I only made this its own tip because I felt self-conscious about making the first one too long.
If and when you enjoy going down on your husband, SHOW him.
Let your energy fuel his pleasure and reduce his anxiety about how long things are taking. Paradoxically, the less worried he is about how long his orgasm takes, the faster it will usually come.
Moan, sigh, let sudden bursts of intensity/speed convey excitement, tell him verbally how much you enjoy doing what you’re doing. Done sincerely, these will be pure bliss.
Always Wetter
It is almost impossible to imagine a blow job that is too wet. Whether you’re using your own saliva, some kind of lube, or a combination of both, more is almost always better.
It might feel gross or embarrassingly over the top at first…but trust me…if it doesn’t sound loud and sloppy, it could probably stand to get wetter. Ask your husband to verify but I imagine he loves the sound of almost comical amounts of saliva lathering his penis. It’s super hot. We promise.
Hands Are Great
Most seem to agree that blow jobs are better than hand jobs generally. But hands used during a blow job are perfection.
Everyone has their preferences for how they’re best employed but should definitely be playing some role.
Whole hand wrapped firmly around the portion of the shaft not inside the mouth, moving in tandem with lips?
Thumb and forefinger wrapped lightly around the shaft, moving slower and/or faster than lips?
One hand gently cupping his scrotum?
Hands gripping his thighs or butt?
Hand(s) splayed across his abdomen/chest?
Lots of options.
Be Playful
Many of the flourishes associated with great blow jobs are more a reflection of playful enjoyment, rather than next level pleasure.
Flicks of the tongue? Long licks, like licking an ice cream cone? Soft, full lipped kisses? Tapping or rubbing his penis on the outside or inside of your cheek?
It’s not terribly likely any of these techniques, on its own, is going to build tension toward orgasm. The sensations will be enjoyed but probably for their novelty and the fact that mixing things up shows you’re enjoying yourself and want to let him enjoy the leisurely pleasures of the act, rather than just always pushing anxiously to the finale.
Wherever the Semen Goes, Let It Go There Confidently
Semen, like a man’s penis, represents his sexuality and eroticism. While it’s understandable to think it’s gross (he may even find it gross), it’s definitely sexier to not feel that the climax of a sexual experience is inherently repulsive.
Where a man wants to ejaculate is likely a mix of what simply looks most erotic to him visually and what conveys maximum acceptance of him (through acceptance of his semen).
(While it’s POSSIBLE that things like ejaculating on someone’s face, in context, could represent an exchange of power, it’s much more likely that your man loves your smiling face and feels your willingness to have the symbol of his orgasm on it reflects a profound acceptance of him as a sexual being.)
Of course, at the conclusion of a blow job, the semen can go wherever both can agree it should. That said, it will be a turn off if where it goes is not perceived as welcome, even if agreed upon. So, wherever you want it to go, confidently ask him to put it there and enjoy it going anywhere you let it go.
“Cum on/in…” is way sexier than “Uh, yeah, I guess that’s fine…”
Ideas include:
Mouth
Face
Neck
Chest
Breasts
Genitals
Hand
*******
It’s possible your husband has requested things in relation to his semen that you aren’t comfortable with or do genuinely find too gross to do. THAT’S TOTALLY FINE! If you can find a way to enjoy his semen somehow, I imagine he will appreciate your genuinely enjoying his cumming on your hand than reluctantly tolerating it in your mouth.
Be Open To (and Sincerely Request) Feedback
Like every woman, every man is a little different.
Some men want their penises gripped tightly and others need a much lighter touch.
Some men want slow and others might prefer a sense of urgency.
Some men love to stand up while receiving a blow job and others need to be seated to relax sufficiently.
In order to discover these and other variations, and how they might change from day to day, or even during the same blow job, it has to feel safe to offer that information.
We all want to feel capable of pleasing our partners and feedback can sometimes feel like criticism, regardless of how softly and lovingly it is offered. That said, if we adopt the perspective that the greatest strength we have as married lovers is the ability to be always adjusting to the needs of our spouse, we can embrace feedback as a means to be constantly refining our skills as a lover rather than as evidence that we are poor lovers who need to be constantly told what to do.
Inviting the feedback puts you in the driver’s seat and shows you value being a master of your craft, rather than a fumbling newbie every time. It also makes it feel emotionally safer to provide it, especially when framed in a way that makes an answer easier to give.
“Would you like faster or slower strokes today, baby?”
“Lighter grip or tighter? Let me know if you’d like me to change that whenever, okay?”
“Are you comfortable or would you like to sit down?”
Ultimately, emotional safety is key to relaxing enough to enjoy any sexual experience. This is especially true of a sexual experience that has the potential to feel a little one sided.
Summary
Not sure it feels like a list needs a quick wrap up but it did feel super weird to not add one.
A blow job is a wonderful gift you can give your husband. Most appreciate it more than you can probably wrap your head around. They’re also probably scared of your judgment and sensitive to shame related to their genitals and what they like done to them.
If you can stay open-minded and try to love giving this gift to him, pushing through any aversion to the practical tips for making them more enjoyable, I can guarantee it will be appreciated.
I also can’t imagine a scenario in which more frequent, masterfully executed blow jobs, given with enthusiastic generosity to a good man, won’t improve your marriage.
Hope this helps!
Excellent well written. Thanks!